Ask me anything
uhm, I'm 19. born 07.09.93. I'm a moon child. I live in bumblefuck ny. I'm quite a lot to take in. don't worry I don't let too many people inside my head. I'm generally nice to everyone, so feel free to talk to me. I'm usually stoned, and I ramble on a lot. and thats about all. oh and uh, my name is Alexa. it means the helper of man kind.. but I don't know about that.
I just have to get this off my chest. SHIT IS SO GOOD RIGHT NOW. This week has been the best week I’ve had in a VERY long time. After one last blow out between Benjamin and I, we finally started trying to fix shit. He’s working so hard to be a better person for his own sake, as well as mine. And he’s doing such a good job. The other night we went to the casino to try to win some money until my next pay check (which he did.. 200 to be exact) I asked him to give me the 50$ that we had as “savings” and he told me no. When I freaked a bit because I assumed he was going to use it and risk losing everything, he told me that he wanted to work on rebuilding trust and he wanted to make things like they were when we first got together. Obviously he came back with the 50.. plus what we had plus 200 dollars. But then today he went and got a job, and he’s just so cute when he cares about stuff. He gets a shaved and combs his hair back and asks me to pick out something nice for him to wear and I feel like a little house wife/mommy. Most importantly, seeing him smile, and be happy and giddy is just so amazing. I’ve really missed it. And when he walked out of that shop, knowing he was going back to work, he smiled so big and looked so happy. He told me he’s not useless any more. He’ll never understand that he’s never useless, but I am so glad that he’s going back to work and also that he’ll be socializing with people. I love this man with all my heart. Tonight we went on a little date to get pizza and I had the most amazing time. Its hard to go without any attention at all when your partner is depressed, but its worth the world to get through the dark times and reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
I like the way I look in my apartment. I like that I have my original hair color back. I like that I have a home. I like that for some reason I’m still thiner than I’ve ever been in my whole life. I like hearing the funny shit the guys on the street have to say. I like being called beautiful and being called a lady. I like that for some reason I’m given respect, and not just because of the way I look. I like that I walk into work ever day and people like me. And I’ve earned their respect as well. I like that I have an amazing partner to go through all this shit with. I have a chest to lay on every night, and a man that will listen to me cry about feelings I can’t explain. I like that I have a mom that will finally sit down and talk to me while I’m upset and stresses out. Who doesn’t expect me to be anything other than myself. I like how things are going, so I guess at this point its been worth the battles. And now its easier to get through everyday, even when I have so much to worry about. I feel like finally things might be coming together and settling down. I feel so fucking blessed to have so many amazing people in my life, and to have been raised to be the kind of person that I am.
the new year always sucks for me. I don’t know if its a Cancer thing, or a self sabotage thing, or if the weather gets to me. Maybe I feel like this because I just visited home, which is always fun but I left all the deepest, most personal memories and feelings there. Maybe I dug them back up. Maybe its the fact that my car just broke down and I’m fucked for money. Maybe its because I’ve been doing too many drugs. But I always come back to the same fucking feelings. Like I’m going to fail. Like I”m not aligned with my soul. Like my spirit is being smothered. And I’m not sure if its my own doing, or the effects of society. shit just kind of sucks.
For my amazing friends and family. I’ve never felt as loved and supported as I do right now. I’ve always known I wouldn’t be where I am without my family, but I physically would not be where I am right now, as comfortable as I am, without my families. Not to mention the incredible amount of help and gratuity we’ve received from friends we’ve met just months ago. But whats really amazing is being able to have friends back home and from school that I can still talk to and still maintain friendships with. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I’ve never been the kind of person to have a lot of friends, or have a good relationship with my family. and at the moment I have both. And on top of that, I have an amazing boyfriend who gives me more than i could have ever asked for. He works hard, he makes sure we’re always okay, I know he can and will protect me and he’s the sweetest man I’ve ever laid eyes on. He treats me like a princess. I really can’t believe how lucky I am. just felt like saying that.
absolutely loving colorado. started my second job today. everyone is so damn friendly. and I get to come home to the most amazing man in the world every night. I feel like for the first time I’m not totally hating on the human experience. I’m actually pretty stoked to be alive. I feel super lucky. and super empowered. and really confident. I’m really new to this, so excuse my excitement.